I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I'm reading a book about mazes, I got lost in it.

My friend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I'm friends with a tree, we're very branches.

I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn't find any.

I'm friends with a clock, we really go back in time.

I don't go to the gym because I feel the burn just by looking at it.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I'm friends with a calendar, we have dates all the time.

I got a ceiling fan the other day. It's great, but I think the spider's really struggling now.

I told my wife she should loosen up and be more spontaneous. Divorce papers are in the mail.

I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a huge snake for her birthday. Turns out she already had one, that's why she left me.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are hard.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to grab a drink.

I'm starting a band called 1023 MB. We haven't got a gig yet.

Knock, knock. - Who's there? Gouda. - Gouda who? Gouda knock on wood before you tell another joke!

Knock, knock. - Who's there? Olive. - Olive who? Olive you doin' today?

Knock, knock. - Who's there? Noah. - Noah who? Noah good taco place around here?

Knock, knock. - Who's there? Broccoli. - Broccoli who? Broccoli doesn't belong in a joke!

Knock, knock. - Who's there? Police. - Police who? Police let me tell another joke!

Knock, knock. - Who's there? Lettuce. - Lettuce who? Lettuce in and we'll tell you another joke!