I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I'm reading a book about mazes, I got lost in it.

My friend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I'm friends with a tree, we're very branches.

I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn't find any.

I'm friends with a clock, we really go back in time.

I don't go to the gym because I feel the burn just by looking at it.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I'm friends with a calendar, we have dates all the time.

My girlfriend said she wanted to go on a romantic camping trip. So I packed my bags and left.

I asked my husband if he thought I was too needy. He said, 'Well, I do hear the cling wrap calling your name every night.'

Why did the lifeguard break up with the swimmer? It felt like they were just treading water in the relationship.

My wife told me she wanted a fairytale romance. So I locked her in a tower and called myself a dragon.

Why did the pencil break up with the pen? It felt like the ink was always running dry.

Why did the tree break up with the forest? It felt like things were getting a little too crowded.

My boyfriend said he wanted to be more spontaneous. So I texted him to break up on a whim.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the cornfield? It felt like it was all ears.

I told my wife I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. So she handed me a pepper spray.

Why did the protractor break up with the ruler? It just couldn't handle the angles.

Why did the bell break up with the whistle? It just couldn't handle the noise.

Why did the computer break up with the smartphone? It couldn't handle the dating apps.