I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I'm reading a book about mazes, I got lost in it.

My friend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I'm friends with a tree, we're very branches.

I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn't find any.

I'm friends with a clock, we really go back in time.

I don't go to the gym because I feel the burn just by looking at it.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I'm friends with a calendar, we have dates all the time.

Why did the giraffe break up with the hippo? He was too high maintenance!

What do you get when you cross a mouse and a dog? A mouse pad!

Why did the sheep go to the cinema? To see the mutton-chops!

What do you call a blonde with 90% brain capacity? A genius in her field.

How do you plant blonde flowers? Bury them in soil and water them with bleach.

Why did the blonde tip-toe out of the M&M factory? She didn't want to wake the sleeping bags.

Yo mama is so loud, she makes thunder whisper.

Yo mama is so chaotic, she goes to a therapist to ask why her horoscope is always wrong.

Yo mama is so smelly, when she used deodorant, the can refused to spray.

Yo mama is so rude, she walks into a room and the roaches stand on chairs.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Java? It serves an endless loop of coffee.

Why did the smartphone go to the doctor? It had a virus!