I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I'm reading a book about mazes, I got lost in it.

My friend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I'm friends with a tree, we're very branches.

I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn't find any.

I'm friends with a clock, we really go back in time.

I don't go to the gym because I feel the burn just by looking at it.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I'm friends with a calendar, we have dates all the time.

I'm so disorganized, I once lost my car in a parking lot for 2 hours.

I'm like a walking magnet for embarrassing moments.

I'm the only person who can mess up a recipe that has just one step.

I'm such a bad singer, I got kicked out of a karaoke bar before I even finished my first song.

I'm like a pro at missing the punchline of a joke.

I'm so terrible at telling jokes, I once got booed at an open mic night at a library.

I'm so bad at parallel parking, I once tried to fit my car into a spot that was twice as big as it.

I'm such a hot mess, I once tried to microwave something for 20 minutes instead of 2 minutes.

I'm like a pro at rapid weight gain - I can gain 5 pounds in one meal.

I'm so accident-prone, even my shadow avoids me.

I'm such a terrible dancer, at weddings I'm the reason the DJ switches to slow songs.

I got a ceiling fan the other day. It's great, but I think the spider's really struggling now.