I got a ceiling fan the other day. It's great, but I think the spider's really struggling now.

I told my wife she should loosen up and be more spontaneous. Divorce papers are in the mail.

I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a huge snake for her birthday. Turns out she already had one, that's why she left me.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are hard.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to grab a drink.

I'm starting a band called 1023 MB. We haven't got a gig yet.

Why did the chicken join a cult? It couldn't live with the guilt of crossing the road.

I told my therapist about my kleptomania. He said, 'Take something for it.'

I told my wife she should be more optimistic. She said, 'I'll try, but I doubt it will work.'

Why did the vampire read the newspaper? He heard it had great circulation.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it was a dead man's party.

I've never been able to understand the appeal of skydiving. It's a real letdown.

I asked the doctor for something for my hearing loss. He gave me a DVD.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said, 'No thanks, I already feel like my life is falling apart.'

I asked the gym trainer if he could help me lose weight. He said, 'Just run behind a car, you'll lose plenty.'

When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered at a popular restaurant. That way, I can still clog arteries.

I asked my friend if he knew any good jokes about sodium. He said, 'Na.'

I told my wife she should talk more openly about her feelings. She said, 'I don't think you want to hear what I have to say.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of unknown consequences. She said, 'That's the least of your worries.'

I told my girlfriend she should be more comfortable in her own skin. She tried to unzip mine.

I told my wife she should do more spontaneous things. She booked a trip to Paris without me.