I started a new job as a tailor, but couldn't make ends meet.

My grandpa said, 'Your generation relies too much on technology!' I replied, 'No, your generation relies too much on technology!' Then I unplugged his life support.

I asked my barber if he cuts hair by hand. He said, 'No, I use scissors.'

I asked the clown if he could juggle his problems. He said, 'I'm already juggling dead inside.'

Why did the zombie apply for a job at the morgue? He wanted to work his way up in the food chain.

Why did the gardener break up with his girlfriend? She kept telling him to leaf her alone.

I asked the waiter if the chicken was farm-raised. He said, 'No, it was battery raised.'

I asked the chef if I could take some leftovers home. He said, 'Sure, here's a doggy bag.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She tasted like someone else.

I told my wife she should learn to trust me. She said, 'I don't even trust my judgment in marrying you.'

Why did the vampire get a cat? He wanted to teach it how to undead.

I asked my therapist if I had multiple personalities. He said, 'No, you're just unbearable.'

I asked my doctor if I should start smoking. He said, 'Nah, smoking kills. But so does life, slowly.'

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because he's dead inside.

I told my friend he should be more transparent. He said, 'I can see right through you.'

Why don't skeletons fight each other in the army? Because they're already bone-tired.

Why did the zombie break up with his zombie girlfriend? She just wasn't his type. She was his body type.

I told my therapist I have a fear of speed bumps. He assured me it's just a slow road to recovery.

Why did the ghost break up with his ghost girlfriend? She kept haunting his ex.

I asked my mechanic if I could borrow his wrench. He said, 'Sure, if you can handle the torque.'

I told my wife she should learn to make jokes. She said, 'I already married one.'