I finally got over my phobia of speed bumps. It was a slow process.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the shooting range with me. She said 'I'm already a great shot, I've been taking aim at your heart.'

I asked the optometrist if I could see her later. She said, 'I don't see a future for us.'

I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He said, 'That's $200 an hour.'

I asked the doctor to take out my patience. He said it wasn't covered by my insurance.

I told the librarian I wanted a book on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

I told my wife she should do some soul-searching. She couldn't find it.

I asked the butcher for a good cut of meat. He handed me a mirror.

I told my wife she should learn to juggle. She said she could barely keep her balls in the air.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for the pain. He gave me a mirror.

I heard a burglar broke into a house and took all the lamps. The police are looking for a man who is light-fingered.

I told my computer I needed a break, so it decided to give me a coffee break by freezing.

I hired a handyman for my house. He left a mess of screws, nails, and bolts. He nailed it.

I used to play piano for a mime. He never showed his appreciation.

I asked my dog what's the best way to follow someone. He said to stick to them like glue.

My wife said she wants to be cremated when she dies. So I hid the pepper and hot sauce.

I used to work at a cemetery, but I was always getting buried in my work.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'Sorry, we're having a grave financial situation.'

I told my wife I want to be buried at sea. So she bought me a submarine ticket.

Why was the calendar always anxious? It knew its days were numbered.

I told my wife we should both be cremated and mixed together when we die. For eternal warmth.