Why did the chicken join a support group? To deal with his crossing issues.

I tried to make a birdhouse but it just flew away. I guess it wasn't a stable relationship.

I asked the doctor for some antidepressants. He gave me a mirror and said, 'Start with your reflection.'

I asked the bartender for something sweet and strong. He handed me a picture of my ex-girlfriend.

I told my wife I'm leaving her for a supermodel. She told me to wait, she'll pack my bags for me.

I tried to write a joke about unemployed people, but none of them worked.

I asked my boss for a raise. He told me to start standing during my lunch breaks.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She wanted a commitment, but he couldn't handle the stakes.

I saw a clown juggling knives. I guess there's a fine line between entertainment and a crime scene.

I tried to join the procrastinators club, but they postponed the meeting.

I accidentally left my phone in airplane mode. Now it's in a better place.

I asked my friend why he carries a pencil in his pocket. He said, 'In case I make a point.'

I told my friends I'm reading a book on time travel. They haven't seen me for days.

I called a suicide hotline, but they put me on hold. It really killed the mood.

I asked the psychic if I would ever find true love. She said yes, but only if I stopped stalking my exes.

I tried to make a candle out of ear wax, but all I got was a 'waxy' scent.

I asked the bartender for a double shot of whiskey to drown my sorrows. He said, 'Sorry, we're out of sorrows. Would you like regret instead?'

I went to the doctor for a checkup. He told me I have an acute sense of humor. I asked if that was good. He said, 'No, it's terminal.'

I tried to donate blood, but they said my blood type was 'probably not recommended.'

I asked my therapist if my ex-wife was the root of all my problems. She said, 'No, but she's definitely a branch.'

I tried to schedule an appointment with Death, but he told me he's booked solid until I die.