I'm great at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My friend couldn't pay back the loan I gave him. He's my withstanding friend now.

Why shouldn't you play hide and seek with mountains? They're always peaking.

I told the doctor I was hearing voices in my head. He told me I don't have a voicemail.

I asked the doctor to remove my funny bone. He didn't find it humorous.

My landlord asked if he could come in and talk about the high rent. I said, 'Sure, come on in.'

I joined the Weight Watchers support group. They said I was too heavy for their liking.

I invited the devil to a BBQ. He said he'd bring the hell's fire.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too ambiguous. I don't know how I feel about that.

I told my wife she should loosen up. She handed me the divorce papers.

I used to have a job at a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

I told my girlfriend she should be more spontaneous. She said, 'I'll schedule it in.'

I told my psychiatrist I feel like a dog. He told me to get off his couch.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

I told my wife she should've been more flexible with our marriage. Now I live in a tent in the backyard.

Why did the sick baker go to the doctor? Because he needed a loafer.

I accidentally swallowed a string. My next meal was tied up for hours.

I accidentally ate food coloring. Now I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket. 'How far do you think I can kick this bucket?'

I took up sword swallowing as a hobby. Turns out, I'm not very good at it because now I'm missing a vital organ.

I finally found a genie lamp and wished for immortality. Now I have to live with the consequences.