I wanted to go on a seafood diet, but now I'm seeing food everywhere.

I ordered a book on patience online, but it still hasn't arrived.

I tried to start a band with my friends, but they said I wasn't their type.

I always feel better after quitting caffeine cold turkey. Well, maybe not "better," but definitely more awake.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my liver. He handed me a bill.

I'm really good at pretending to be a detective. It's my best undercover job yet.

Why do cemetery walls have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.

Why did the ghost have trouble making friends? It was too transparent about its past.

I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. Now I'm feeling a little blue... or orange, it's hard to tell.

Why do vampires make terrible medics? They always have trouble finding a vein.

I asked my therapist for relationship advice. She said, 'Well, I'm here for you... until your insurance runs out.'

Why do skeletons always go to prom together? Because they have no body to dance with.

I accidentally swallowed a thesaurus. Now I have word vomit.

I asked my doctor for a stress ball. He said, 'Hold on, I'm dealing with my own stress here.'

I told my wife she should embrace her dark humor. She said, 'I'd rather keep it buried.'

Why do ghosts make terrible weightlifters? They can't handle the heavy lifting when it comes to the afterlife.

Why do skeletons always want to play the harmonica? They're always blowing off steam.

I accidentally made a voodoo doll of myself. Now it's giving me a pain in the neck.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the ketchup and thought, 'That's my destiny.'

Why was the belt arrested? It couldn't hold it together when the pants tried to make a break for it.

Why do vampires avoid arguments? They can't stand the sight of bloodshed.