I told my wife she should take up meditation for inner peace. She said she'd rather have a peace of cake.

I caught my best friend sleeping with my girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the betrayal or the fact that he's imaginary.

I asked the devil for a lighter. He said, 'Sorry, I can't. It's hell for my asthma.'

I tried to make a joke about suicide, but it never landed. Just like the jumpers.

I told my wife she should try karaoke to conquer her stage fright. She said I should try finding her G-spot.

I found my girlfriend cutting herself to Taylor Swift songs. I guess she really is never ever getting back together.

I told my wife she should try Zumba for a fun workout. She said I should try taking out the trash.

I went to a psychic and asked about my future. She said, 'You don't have one.'

I invited my ex to a vegan dinner. Turns out she wasn't the only thing getting roasted.

I found a bra in my girlfriend's car. She claimed it was a seatbelt for her boobs.

My doctor told me I have a rare disease that makes me want to sing '80s pop songs. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I asked the psychic if I will ever win the lottery. She said, 'No, but you already know that.'

I told my wife she should try cooking classes. She said I should try stand-up comedy.

I walked in on my grandparents playing Scrabble that consisted of only curse words. It was a real triple word score.

My boss asked me to give a presentation on 'how to overcome failure.' I didn't show up.

I signed up for a CPR class but ended up breaking more ribs than saving lives.

I told my wife she should join a workout group for motivation. She said I should join a support group for husbands.

I accidentally texted my boss 'I love you' instead of my girlfriend. He replied, 'I love you too, get back to work.'

I am terrified of elevators, but I am taking steps to avoid them.

I cooked a kid's meal, but the kid didn't approve – they found it tasteless.

Why do cemetery fences have barbed wire? Because people are dying to get in.