I tried to give up sugar, but it left me feeling bitter. So I went back to my sweet old ways.

I accidentally went to a funeral dressed in a clown outfit. It was a real grave misunderstanding.

Why don't witches have kids? They always have trouble putting a spell on the crib.

I asked my therapist for advice on dealing with stress. She told me to take a deep breath... and hold it.

Why did the ghost break up with its girlfriend? It was tired of being ghosted.

I told my wife she should take up archery as a hobby. She said, 'I'd rather aim for something less painful.'

Why do ghosts make great therapists? They really know how to get to the root of your problems.

I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts. She said, 'Just hang in there.'

I accidentally drank a bottle of super glue. Now I'm stuck in a sticky situation.

Why don't skeletons ever get lost? They always have a bone to pick with directions.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. Now I'm fog-gone about the whole thing.

I accidentally swallowed my birthday candles. Now every time I burp, I make a wish.

Why do vampires seem so unpopular? They always suck at social gatherings.

I told my wife she should take up knitting to destress. She said, 'I'm already spinning enough yarns with you.'

Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants... and a convenience store.

I told my therapist I had an imaginary friend. She said, 'At least someone's talking to you.'

I tried to give up drinking, but it left me feeling empty inside. So I filled the void with more alcohol.

I asked my doctor for a colonoscopy, but he said I'm too full of crap.

Why did the murderer go to the party? To kill some time before his next victim.

I accidentally swallowed my wedding ring. The doctor said I'll pass it eventually. Marriage truly is a journey, in sickness and in health.

I tried to take up smoking to cure my anxiety. Now I have a new problem to worry about.