My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I always left the toilet seat up. I said, 'Do you need a life jacket for that flood of emotions?'

I told my wife she should become a professional baker. She said, 'I knead to think about it.'

I asked my wife if she wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride. She said, 'No thanks, I'm already full of hot air.'

My wife told me to go to hell. I replied, 'I'll need a map, I keep getting lost.'

I asked my wife if she wanted to join me on a trip to space. She said, 'No thanks, I need some space.'

I told my wife she should write an autobiography. She said, 'That's just chapter one.'

My wife asked me why I carry a knife. I said, 'In case I need to spread butter quickly.'

I called my wife to tell her I'll be late for dinner. She said, 'How late?' I said, 'About a week.'

I told my wife I'm going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She said, 'That's impastable.'

I told my wife she should do more squats. She said, 'I can't, my knees are shot.' I said, 'That's ok, they were never good with guns anyway.'

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to hang out with.

I told my wife I'm going to start a garden. She said, 'That's a plant idea.'

I asked my wife what superpower she would want. She said 'Invisibility.' I said, 'Ok, I'll see you later.'

I asked my doctor if he could recommend a good diet. He said, 'Just be yourself.'

I told my therapist that I'm having dark thoughts. She asked if I could shed some light on them.

I found a cure for my insomnia. I just sleep during the day to avoid night terrors.

I told my wife she should try helicopter lessons. She said, 'I don't think I'll take off.'

I asked the doctor to check my cholesterol. He told me, 'You're above average.'

I told my wife I want to be cremated when I die. She said, 'I guess I could finally warm up to you.'

I told my wife she should trade her makeup for some sunblock. She replied, 'Why, to look hotter?'

I was fired from the calendar factory. They said I took too many days off.