My wife said I need to be more spontaneous. So I bought a cemetery plot without telling her.

I told my girlfriend she should try skydiving. She said, 'What if I fall for you instead?'

I told my girlfriend she should try skydiving. She said, 'I don't see the appeal, I heard it's a real hit or miss.'

My wife told me I have the body of a god. She then added, 'Buddha.'

I was so proud of my son when he told me he wanted to be a doctor. Until he added, 'A phlebotomist.'

I asked the skeleton if he wanted to grab lunch. He said, 'Thanks, but I'm already stuffed.'

I went to the doctor for my fear of elevators. He told me to take steps to avoid them.

I told my wife she should do her own taxes. She said, 'That's taxing.'

I told my wife she should do push-ups. She said, 'No thanks, I'm already pushing my luck.'

I asked the skeleton if he wanted to grab a beer. He said he didn't have the stomach for it.

I told my wife she should try pole dancing. She said, 'I already do. I'm a professional at the North Pole.'

Why was the belt locked up? For holding up a pair of pants in a no-fly zone.

I told my wife she should try yoga. She said, 'Namaste in bed.'

I told my wife she should try meditation. She said, 'I can't sit in silence. It's too loud.'

I started a new job as a tailor, but couldn't make ends meet.

My grandpa said, 'Your generation relies too much on technology!' I replied, 'No, your generation relies too much on technology!' Then I unplugged his life support.

I asked my barber if he cuts hair by hand. He said, 'No, I use scissors.'

I asked the clown if he could juggle his problems. He said, 'I'm already juggling dead inside.'

Why did the zombie apply for a job at the morgue? He wanted to work his way up in the food chain.

Why did the gardener break up with his girlfriend? She kept telling him to leaf her alone.

I asked the waiter if the chicken was farm-raised. He said, 'No, it was battery raised.'