Why couldn't the skeleton go to the barbeque? Because it had no muscles to bring.

I thought being a taxidermist would be a great job, but it really left me feeling stuffed.

I told my wife she should stop joking about winter storms. Now her cold shoulder is literal.

I asked my doctor for some painkillers, but he just gave me a prescription for my life.

Why did the chicken join a band? It wanted to lay down some sick beak-drops.

My ex-girlfriend told me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't seem to thread the needle. So I stitched to my day job.

I always feel like I'm flying when I drink espresso. Probably because my heart rate is taking off with it.

I told my wife she should spice things up in our marriage. So she got the salt and pepper shakers.

I told my wife she should be more open-minded. Now she won't stop talking about her ideas.

Why did the burglar hang his hat in the courtroom? He wanted to take a plea.

I walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'What'll it be?' I said, 'Mind your own business.'

I told my wife she should do some gardening to relax. She buried me in the backyard.

Why did the clown go to therapy? He had a serious problem with jokes.

I told my wife she should be more adventurous in bed. So she bought a bed and breakfast.

I heard that oxygen and magnesium went on a date. OMg!

I told my computer I needed a break. It told me it couldn't give me that password.

I asked a librarian if I could take some books home. She said, 'Which ones?' I said, 'You pick.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said she didn't need to, she was already married to me.

I told my therapist about my trust issues. He said he had a secret, too.

I refused to believe that my chiropractor was a real doctor. But he really grew on me.