Why did the zombie join the army? He heard they had a strict 'no brains, no service' policy.

I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't handle the pressure. Now I work in the embalming industry.

Why did the vampire become a vegetarian? Blood oranges were in season.

I asked the bartender for a stiff drink. He handed me a shovel and pointed to the cemetery.

Why did the grave robber break up with his girlfriend? She was too possessive.

I told my wife I wanted a Viking funeral. She said, 'Sorry, we can't afford the boat. We'll just set you on fire.'

I used to be a photographer, but all my subjects ended up dead. I switched to portraits.

I asked my doctor if he could prescribe something for my dark sense of humor. He said, 'I'm afraid it's terminal.'

Why did the morgue hire a stand-up comedian? They needed some body to lighten the mood.

I used to be a chef, but I got fired for serving up black humor in the kitchen.

Why did the vampire switch to a liquid diet? He couldn't stomach solid food anymore.

I told my wife she should stop buying so many candles. She said, 'I like to keep the ambiance funeral.'

I told my wife she should stop wearing so much black. She said, 'Sorry, it's my mourning routine.'

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the heat. So I decided to be a mortician instead.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He preferred to dance as a single bone.

I asked my therapist if she could help me with my fear of ghosts. She said, 'Sorry, that's out of my realm.'

I told my wife I'm feeling suicidal. She told me to think of the children. I replied, 'Exactly.'

I asked the executioner if he could give me some head. He handed me a severed one.

I told my wife she should watch her mouth. She asked me why, and I said, 'Because eventually I may put a ring on it.'

Why did the doctor carry a bell? To declare the patients 'dead on arrival.'

I told the morgue attendant I wanted to die. He asked me if I have an appointment.