I asked the cannibal what he was reading. He said, 'The cookbook.'

My wife asked me why I carry a gun everywhere. I told her, 'It's for those unexpected family reunions.'

Why did the clown wear a red nose? To hide the smell of death.

I told my wife I wanted to die a martyr. She replied, 'Try marriage first.'

I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes. She replied, 'I already did, I married you.'

I asked the magician for his best disappearing act. He replied, 'Watch me make your friends disappear.'

I asked the Grim Reaper for a pencil and paper. He said, 'Why?' I replied, 'So I can list you as my next of kin.'

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done.

I asked the murderer what time it was. He said, 'Two past a knife.'

I told my wife I have a split personality. She said, 'Tell me something I don't already know.'

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because it was a wafer too long.

I asked the psychopath how he stays so calm. He said, 'Oh, I just take things one victim at a time.'

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my persistent memory loss. He replied, 'Sure, how about a goldfish?'

I told my wife she should be thankful we don't live in the Stone Age. She asked me what I meant, and I said, 'Because you'd be the first one stoned.'

I told my therapist I had a fear of the unknown. He said, 'What happened?'

I asked the psychic if she could see my future. She looked into her crystal ball and said, 'It's not looking good.'

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it's appropriate. It's only for iridium viewers.

I like my coffee like I like my warships - grounded.

I told my wife she should loosen up. She asked me how, so I untied her.

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? He wanted to get a little 'wiener doggy'

I finally got over my addiction to soap. I'm clean now.