I asked the demon if he wanted to play hide and seek. He said, 'I'll count, you hide...forever.'

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me some sleeping pills. He said, 'Just lay down in the casket and count sheep.'

I told my therapist about my fear of death. He said, 'Don't worry, it's not contagious...yet.'

I used to work at a cemetery, but I got buried in the workload.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with counting. I wonder what she's up to now...

I started a new job as a crematorium operator. Business is really starting to heat up.

I asked the psychic if she could see my future. She said, 'Not with all these body bags in the way.'

I accidentally walked in on my grandma changing. She said, 'Don't worry dear, it's not the first time I've been caught in the act.'

I tried to convince my friend to join me on a diet. I said, 'We can be body goals.' He replied, 'More like body bag goals.'

I told my psychiatrist I keep having dark thoughts. She said, 'You should see the other side.'

I told my wife she should do push-ups to stay in shape. She told me to push off.

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape. She told me to take a hike.

I used to play piano in a brothel, but they said I gave them the wrong kind of keys.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups. She couldn't find the remote after that.

I told my wife she should do more cardio, so she started charging me for emotional labor.

I told my wife she should practice yoga to stay balanced. She told me to get bent.

I asked the cannibal if he wanted a sandwich. He said, 'No thanks, I'm stuffed.'

I told my therapist I was hearing voices. He told me I don't have a therapist.

I told my wife she should be more trusting. She didn't believe me.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transphobe. I'm not, I love playing with my Transformer toys.

I have a fear of German sausages. Yes, I have wurst nightmares.