What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley? 'I'm bone to be wild.'

Why did the ghost become a detective? To solve cold cases.

Why did the vampire get picked last for dodgeball? Because he couldn't handle garlic.

Why did the butcher become a comedian? He knew how to slay 'em.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? She was going through a transparent phase.

Why did the grave robbers go bankrupt? Business was dead.

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded to work on his issues.

Why did Dracula become a vegetarian? Stake was giving him heartburn.

Why did the mathematician break up with his calculator? He found someone better at math.

I like my coffee like I like my humor...dark.

I have a split personality. It's okay, we both agree that I'm awesome.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me, then filed for divorce.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up, but the joke's on him. I am an optimist.

My girlfriend dumped me for being too aggressive. So I just have to step up my game.

Why was the zombie always unhappy? He could never keep his life together.

Why did the ghost get lost in the fog? He had a hard time seeing things clearly.

Why did the mummy go to the therapist? He was feeling a little wrapped up in his thoughts.

What did the zombie do after breaking up with his girlfriend? He buried the hatchet.

Why did the werewolf get a job at an accounting firm? He heard they love a howling success.

Why did the vampire take up gardening? He heard he could grow a killer harvest.