If I wanted to hear the sound of an idiot, I'd fart in your direction.

I love when people tell me to 'get a grip.' As if I'm not already hanging on by a thread.

I'm not anti-social, I'm just pro-alone.

Do I believe in love at first sight? Absolutely. But I also believe in taking a second look to confirm my suspicions.

I don't follow trends. Unless you count breathing and blinking.

Thank you for saying I'm not as dumb as I look. It's a compliment, right?

I'm not stubborn. My way is just better.

Oh, you're a grammar Nazi? I'll make sure to use improper punctuation just for you.

I love learning about new cultures. It's fascinating how wrong they all are compared to mine.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I'm not a smart aleck, I'm just sarcastic beyond my own understanding.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my birth certificate makes me depressed.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my memory loss. He said, 'Sure, try to forget about it.'

I don't need a hairstylist, I wake up with an effortless bedhead look every day.

I told my computer I wanted a break, so it gave me a 15-minute update.

My boss told me I need to be more assertive. I said, 'Whatever you say.'

I only use 10% of my brain. The other 90% is just there for emergency backup.

My doctor told me I need to watch my drinking. So now I do it with a mirror.

I like to live on the edge. Like, eating soup right out of the microwave.

I don't have a Fitbit, but I do have a couch potato.