Who needs a gym membership when you have a closet full of clothes that no longer fit?

I love when my WiFi drops out right in the middle of an important video call. It's a great opportunity to work on my mime skills.

I wish I could donate my metabolism to science. It clearly doesn't need my help.

I don't need an alarm clock, the sound of my own existential dread waking me up every morning is enough.

Who needs a therapist when you can just silently judge strangers in public?

Doing laundry is my favorite way to practice my Olympic sport of extreme procrastination.

I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving energy for future Netflix binges.

Sure, I'm a people person. I enjoy documenting every time I'm left on read.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have the ability to turn pizza into muscle.

My daily exercise routine consists of running out of patience.

I love the smell of deadlines in the morning, it smells like stress and coffee.

Why clean my room when I can just close the door and pretend it doesn't exist?

I told my wife I wanted to be buried in my pajamas. She said it was a resting comfort.

I asked my boss if he wanted to hear a joke about holidays. He said he was booked solid.

I told my friend I have a fear of thunderstorms. He said I need to weather the fear.

I tried to make a belt out of playing cards. It was a gamble that didn't pay off.

I asked my boss if he wanted to hear a joke about deadlines. He said he would get back to me on that.

I told my friend I have a fear of mirrors. He said he could see right through it.

I tried to make a belt out of snakes. It was a constricting experience.

I asked my therapist if she wanted to hear a joke about therapists. She told me to lie on the couch and spill it.

I told my wife I wanted to be buried with my phone. She said that was a dead ringer for addiction.