I always strive to be the person my therapist thinks I am.

I would like to thank my coffee for always being there for me, even when I spill it on myself.

I have a great sense of humor, it's just been on backorder.

I'm not stubborn, I'm just extremely consistent with my opinions.

Oh, you're a perfectionist? Tell me more about how you never make any mistakes.

I love when people say 'It's not that complicated' as if that magically makes things less complicated.

Oh, you work in IT? You must be really good at turning it off and on again.

I'm not saying I don't trust you, but I'd check the weather forecast before planning our picnic together.

Oh, you're having a bad day? Tell me more, I haven't heard that story 100 times before.

I love it when my boss micromanages every detail of my work, it's like having a personal cheerleader.

I always look forward to Mondays, because I get to start the week with a cozy meeting about more meetings.

I'm so glad I spent years studying for a degree that I never use, it's the ultimate conversation starter.

I'm a big fan of unsolicited advice, especially when it comes from someone who has their life completely together.

No, please continue to interrupt me while I'm trying to finish my sentence, your input is truly invaluable.

Wow, you're so original for posting a picture of your avocado toast on Instagram.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect driver, but I'm pretty good at using my horn to express my feelings.

Oh, you have a selfie stick? Finally, a way to capture your narcissism from a farther distance.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have a fridge that makes me run everytime I open it.

I'm not addicted to coffee, I'm just in a committed relationship with caffeine.

Nothing says 'adulting' like Googling 'how to fold a fitted sheet' for the 100th time.

I make bad decisions in life so my future self has something to look back and regret.