My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

I asked the shopkeeper if they had anything to help with low self-esteem. He said, 'Yeah, what's it to you?'

I'm reading a book on the power of positive thinking. So far, it's been really negative.

I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Oh great, another Monday. Just what I needed.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying you’re... not right.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.