I told my computer I needed a break. It responded with 'Control-Alt-Delete'.

I asked my therapist for help with my addiction to brake fluid. He told me he couldn't stop me.

I'm really good at multitasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I told my friend I was reading a book on anti-gravity. He said he couldn't put it down.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That was an awkward conversation with our lawyer.

I love when people say 'you can't have your cake and eat it too.' Like, why else would I have cake?

I'm not saying my boss is dumb, but when he asked me to bring him a dictionary, I asked what page.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I asked my computer if it could sing me a song. It said, 'I can'taloupe.'

I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when emojis were called 'hieroglyphics.'

I told my boss I have a lot of work to do, so he gave me a mirror to double my productivity.

I asked the gym instructor what exercise I could do to get rid of my love handles. He pointed to the doughnut in my hand.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I love when people say, 'If I had a nickel for every time...' It's like, congrats you're broke.

I don't need a hairstylist, I have a hat.

I put my phone on airplane mode, but it didn't fly.

I told my computer I needed a break, it replied, 'I can't give you that Dave.'

My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, 'Yeah, duh, I'm a queen.'

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.