My doctor told me I need more iron in my diet. I guess it's time to step up my cereal game.

I tried to clean my room, but decided it's more of a 'controlled chaos' situation.

I always look on the bright side of life. It's easier to see my problems that way.

I joined a support group for people who can't make decisions. We haven't really accomplished much yet.

I told my friend I'm a great listener. He agreed, but I wasn't really paying attention.

I told my dentist I don't like flossing because it's too time-consuming. He suggested I try brushing my teeth without looking in the mirror.

I'm thinking about becoming a psychic, but I already see a future where it doesn't work out.

I tried to make a joke about unemployment, but it didn't work. I guess it doesn't have a great 'payoff.'

I love when people give me their 'hot takes' on life. It's like the weather forecast, always changing.

I applied for a job as a historian, but they said my knowledge of ancient Egypt was too 'pharaoh off.'

I heard that 'knowledge is power,' so I'm planning to become the smartest hermit in the world.

I tried to do stand-up comedy, but the audience thought my routine was more of a 'sit-down-and-take-a-nap' situation.

I like to live on the edge. It's a great view of everyone else trying to stay balanced.

I told my friend I'm a master of multitasking. I can text and make a sandwich at the same time. Look out, world.

I tried to start a charity for introverts, but it seems like nobody wants to be the face of the organization.

I love when people say 'life is short.' Like, really? Have you been to a Monday?

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but maybe I am... or am I?

I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a high-five and said 'keep dreaming.'

I tried to be a vegetarian, but bacon had other plans.

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I do it later.