I love how my body randomly decides to ache for no reason. It's like a surprise gift from me to me.

I have a black belt in sarcasm. It's just invisible.

I tried to be positive once. It was the most negative experience of my life.

I don't always roll my eyes, but when I do, it's usually at you.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times just to be sure.

My superpower is pretending to care. It's exhausting.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

I know I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not you.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right... again.

I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

I'm not feeling very talkative today, so let's skip the small talk and go straight to awkward silence.

I love when people say 'I'm here for you' and then proceed to be nowhere to be found when you actually need them.

I'm not saying I hate people, but if I were to become a hermit and live in a cave, I wouldn't be mad about it.

I don't need a personal trainer, I need someone to come over and physically push me off the couch.

I always make sure to surround myself with people who are just as sarcastic as I am, so they don't take offense when I insult them.

I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a teeth that hate me and want me to suffer.

Just once, I'd like to see a 'take one' Halloween candy bowl that's actually full.

I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me...to be the butt of its jokes.

I love how people say 'follow your dreams' as if my dream job is to be unemployed and binge watch Netflix.

I'm not saying I'm a good listener, but if you start talking about yourself I'll zone out in record time.

I'm such a morning person that sometimes I even make myself sick.