I don't have a gambling problem, I have a 'I always lose money in the slot machines' problem.

I don't have a fear of commitment, I have a fear of being stuck in a bad relationship.

I love when people ask 'how are you?' and then don't actually care about the answer.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't even decide if I'm indecisive or not.

I don't have resting bitch face, I have active bitch face - it's always on.

I'm not trying to be rude, it just comes naturally to me.

I don't need a workout buddy, I need someone to personally come over and force me to exercise.

I don't have a 'type', I just have 'standards' that no one can meet.

I love when people tell me to 'calm down' as if that's ever worked on anyone in the history of ever.

I don't have a caffeine addiction, I have a 'I can't function without three cups of coffee' problem.

Just once, I'd like to see a 'no soliciting' sign actually work.

I don't have a problem with authority, I have a problem with being told what to do.

I love when people give me unsolicited advice as if I'm just sitting around waiting for it.

I didn't choose the lazy life, the lazy life chose me...to take a nap.

I'm not interested in drama, unless it's on TV and involves fictional characters.

I'm not a morning person, I'm a 'please don't talk to me until I've had my coffee' person.

I don't have time for negative people, I'm too busy being negative myself.

I don't have a fear of failure, I have a fear of trying and failing - it's much easier to just not try at all.

Everyone has a photographic memory, but some never bother to develop it.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.