I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I'm not shy, I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

Sarcasm is my love language.

I'm all about self-improvement, until it requires me to actually improve myself.

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word 'premeditated' gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

My parents told me to follow my dreams. So, I took a nap.

I’m not giving up on my dreams, I’m just too lazy to chase them.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize you're an expert on everything. Your opinion is truly invaluable.

I'm not rude, I'm just honest. It's not my fault truth hurts sometimes.

I love when people give me unsolicited advice. It's like a free therapy session with terrible recommendations.

I tried to be a professional juggler, but I just didn't have the balls for it.

I always wanted to be a baker, but I realized my career was toast before it even began.

I told my friend he should go to the gym to work on his self-esteem. He flexed and said he's already lifting plenty of weights.

I called my boss by the wrong name and now he won't stop referring to me as 'Hey, you there.'

I heard that patience is a virtue, so I decided to wait for it. Still waiting...

I'm planning a trip to the sun. Not sure if I'll make it, but at least I'll have a killer tan.