I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. She said that would be a big step forward.

I tried to organize a hide and seek tournament, but it was a disaster. Good players are really hard to find.

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

My friend said he wanted to be immortal. I told him to be careful what he wished for.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said she already signed up for yoga classes.

I finally got around to procrastinating today.

I love the sound of deadlines as they whoosh by.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my birth certificate is a scroll.

I'm not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?

I'm not a morning person, I'm barely an afternoon person.

I love procrastinating so much, I’ll probably start tomorrow.

I like my coffee like I like my jokes—dark, bitter, and not for everyone.

People who take everything literally are the easiest to mess with. They think I'm joking, but I'm not.

I bought a ceiling fan. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones. That’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've already lost three days.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I’m not saying my boss is stupid, but his password is 'password'.

People who use selfie sticks really need to learn how to take a hint.

Oh great, another meeting to discuss scheduling more meetings.

I love when my phone autocorrects 'fired' to 'fried'. Really sets the right tone for a job interview.