Sarcasm is my love language, can't you tell?

I tried to embrace my inner child, but she's grounded.

I don't have a beer belly, I have a snack storage unit.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but can we do it my way?

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode. Efficiency, right?

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry!

I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I don't need a therapist, I need a sarcasm translator.

I used to be a people person, until people ruined it.

My life is like a movie, but without the happy ending.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are still under construction.

I'm not one for small talk. Let's dive straight into awkward silence.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I do have proofread my texts five times before sending.

I don't need more sleep, I need more coffee.

I wasn't born a genius, but sarcasm saved me.

I'm not trying to be difficult, it just comes naturally.

I don't play hard to get, I am hard to want.

I love when people say 'It's so easy, a caveman could do it.' I think to myself, 'So could you.'

I asked my friend if he wanted a frozen banana. He said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yes.'

I told my therapist I had a fear of speed bumps. He suggested I slowly get over it.

My friend said I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.