I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my mental health.

I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

I'm not sarcastic, I'm just intelligent beyond your understanding.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am saying you're pretty far from it.

I'm not cranky. I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

I'm so grateful for my procrastination. It's saved me from doing so much.

I love how everyone assumes I'm always sarcastic. Like that's such a huge compliment.

I have a photographic memory, but I forgot to bring my camera.

I told my therapist I had trust issues. She said, 'I don't believe you.'

I love when people underestimate me. It gives me a chance to prove them right.

I finally got around to procrastinating. It only took me forever.

I always keep my cool. It's stored in the freezer next to my heart.

I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, 'Hey, that one looks like an idiot.'

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

I tried to embrace my inner child, but it turns out he's a brat.

I used to have superpowers, but then the therapist took them away.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least I'm not a crayon shavings.

I don't need a personal trainer. I prefer to exercise my right to remain lazy.

I love it when people say 'you'll sleep when you're dead.' Great, another reason to stay awake.