Someone told me to lighten up. So I lit a candle.

I told the waiter my soup was cold. He told me to blow on it. I said, 'No thanks, I'll pass.'

I asked the gym if they had any dumbbells. They said, 'We don't serve alcohol here.'

I told my therapist I feel like nobody listens to me. She said, 'Next.'

I asked the shopkeeper if they had any highlighters. They pointed to the corner with all the really bright shoppers.

I told my dentist my tooth was hurting. He told me to give it a little talk therapy.

I asked the locksmith if they could make me a key that would open any door. They gave me a map of the city.

I told the tailor my pants were too tight. He said, 'I recommend standing up.'

I told my pet parrot he talks too much. He just shrugged and said, 'Polly want a cracker?'

I asked the mechanic if my car was making that noise on purpose. He said, 'Of course, it's just showing off.'

I told the plumber I had a leak. He asked if I had tried turning it off and on again.

I asked the barista if they could make my coffee with extra sunshine. They handed me an iced latte.

I told the gardener I wanted to plant a money tree. He told me to start with a coin purse.

I asked the barista if they could make my coffee with extra pep. They gave me a caffeine pill.

I told my hairstylist my hair was out of control. She handed me a comb and said, 'Take the wheel.'

I asked the bank for a loan. They told me they were all out of Monopoly money.

I told my GPS I wanted to go off the beaten path. It replied, 'Calculating fastest route to nearest Starbucks.'

I asked the flower shop for something that would never wilt. They handed me a plastic plant.

I told my psychiatrist I have delusions of grandeur. He said I think too highly of myself.

I asked the tattoo artist for something unique. She gave me a barcode.

I told my trainer I wanted to run a marathon. He handed me a Snickers bar.