I recently started a job at a pet store, I realized quickly it wasn't for me. I just couldn't handle the fleas.

I used to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to finishing.

I told my computer I wanted a break, so it decided to crash.

I love when people say 'I can't live without you.' It's like, good, I'm not a WiFi signal.

I'm currently experiencing life at the rate of 15 WTFs per hour.

I love when my phone autocorrects to 'ducking.' Because yes, that's exactly what I meant!

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but...actually, never mind.

I often confuse my packets of sugar with my packets of salt. It makes my coffee interesting, to say the least.

I love the sound of a scammer hanging up on me. It's like a little victory chime.

My friend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. I said maybeeeeee.

I asked my dog what's 2 minus 2. He said nothing.

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lime. And a shot of tequila.

I started a band called 1023MB. We don't have a gig yet.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. Well, it was just gathering dust.

I told my computer I needed a break. It told me to use the space bar.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to ask her how.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

My wife asked me to take out the garbage. I said it was your turn. She said she's already taken out the recycling. That's why I love her.

Oh great, another meeting to discuss having more meetings.

I love when people remind me to smile. Like, thanks, I had no idea my face was capable of movement.

My bank account is just one big game of Monopoly with real consequences.