I'm not saying I hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure 'Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger' is not true for all situations.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I don't have a 'how to annoy people' manual with my name on it.

I'm not saying I'm always right, but I've never been wrong once in my life.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I could probably win an Olympic gold medal in procrastination.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.

I'm not saying I have a big ego, but when I do yoga, I prefer the pose where I'm the center of the universe.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues, but I do have a closet full of unfinished projects.

I'm not saying I'm an expert, but I did Google it once.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I do occasionally go outside to check my mail.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my birth certificate is written in Roman numerals.

I'm not saying I'm a comedian, but I did once make my pet rock laugh.

I'm not saying I'm a mind reader, but I can usually tell when someone is about to say something stupid.

I started a new job selling origami supplies. It's really folding money.

My friend asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently, in HD wasn't the right answer.

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said, 'Oui.'

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated, she made me an appointment for tomorrow.

My friend said he wanted to become a vegetarian, but he was just going to wing it.

I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer. Just couldn't stay in shape.

I asked my doctor for some advice on living a healthier life. He told me to start paying my bills on time.