I don't have a bucket list, but I do have a pretty extensive 'I'll probably never do this' list.

I don't have a fear of commitment, I just have a fear of being committed.

I don't have a short attention span, I just... oh look, a squirrel!

Oh great, another Monday. Because one day a week dedicated to misery just isn't enough.

I love it when people point out the obvious. It's not like I have eyes or anything.

Sarcasm is my love language. Can't you tell by the way I never smile?

I would apologize for my sarcasm, but I really don't care enough to do that.

Wow, you must be a mind reader. You guessed my level of enthusiasm perfectly.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I haven't made any mistakes today. Yet.

I'm not lazy, I'm just actively conserving energy.

I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Why be normal when you can be sarcastic instead?

I don't need luck. Luck is just an excuse for when people can't come up with a better explanation.

Sure, I work 40 hours a week to be known as someone who 'works for the weekend.'

I ordered a chicken and an egg online to see which one would come first. They both arrived because shipping is efficient.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, 'Sure, build me a castle while you're at it.'

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five or six times just to be sure.

I would tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

I started a band called 1023MB. We haven't had any gigs yet.

I'm trying to cut down on sugar, so I've stopped listening to pop music.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They're always plotting something.