I finally got my procrastination down to a science. It's called 'last-minutology.'

I told my computer I needed a break, but all it does is log me out.

I told my boss I have a great work ethic. He asked if I could transfer some of it to my job performance.

I love it when people say 'It's not rocket science.' As if that's the only thing holding me back.

My therapist says I have a lot of pent-up anger. I told him to stick a pin in it.

I told my friend I have a fear of speed bumps. He told me to get over it.

I always give 100% at work: 10% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, and so on.

My doctor says I should watch what I eat. So now I watch my food disappear.

I asked my trainer for a six-pack. He handed me a beer.

I love it when people say 'Have a nice day,' as if it's optional.

My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

I told my gardener I have a brown thumb. He asked if it was from all the composting.

I told my parents I want to be a comedian. They laughed.

I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about construction. He said, 'Sure, but I'm still working on it.'

I told the waitress I have a small appetite. She brought me a mirror.

I love when people say 'It's the thought that counts,' like yeah, I was thinking you'd get me something nicer.

I asked the waiter if they had anything light on the menu. He handed me the bill.

I always bring a knife to a gunfight. Just in case they run out of bullets.

My parents told me to follow my dreams. So I went back to bed.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my spirit animal is a sloth with a Netflix subscription.

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.