I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. Perfect combination.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. Talent.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Job well done, right?

I could agree with you, but then we would both be wrong. And we can't have that.

I'm not lazy, I'm just in energy-saving mode. Always looking out for the planet.

I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination. It's all about perspective.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right. Can't fault me for that.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Safety first, right?

Some people say I have a short attention span, but I don't really see the point.

I'm not lazy, I'm just in energy-saving mode. Saving my energy for important things, like napping.

I told my therapist about my trust issues. He asked me to lie down on the couch and tell him about my childhood. I said, 'I don't have time for that, just fix me.'

I finally decided to embrace my inner child. Turns out he's a brat.

I bought a thesaurus to try and improve my vocabulary. It's not working very well. It's not effective. It's not achieving the desired result.

I've decided to live each day like it's my last. So today, I'm going back to bed and staying there.

I tried to be a vegetarian, but then I realized plants have feelings too. So now I just eat my feelings instead.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't even choose a favorite color. Wait, maybe I can. Nope, never mind.

I started a new diet where I only eat foods that begin with the letter 'P'. So far, I've had pickles, pasta, and pie. I'm just waiting for the pudding.

I went to a seafood restaurant and tried to impress everyone by ordering calamari. They were not impressed by my advanced knowledge of squid.

I tried to learn sign language, but all I could say was 'I don't understand sign language'. It was a vicious cycle.

I like to think inside the box. It's cozy in there.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. Stick to something simpler... like walking.