I asked my accountant if he's good with numbers. He responded, 'As long as they don't talk back.'

Do you believe in ghosts? No? Neither do I, until I have to turn off the lights in the basement.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

I'm not lazy, I'm just energy-efficient.

I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I'm not a control freak. I just know exactly how things should be done.

I don't need a personal trainer, I try to lift my mood every day.

I'm not a morning person, or an afternoon person. Let's just say I'm not a person until I've had my coffee.

Age is just a number until you have to chase after it because it stole your phone.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my distractions.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

I'm not sarcastic, I'm just allergic to stupidity.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just testing the gravity.

I'm not talking to myself, I'm just having a board meeting with all my personalities.

I can resist everything except temptation. And chocolate. And naps.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm not picky, I just have high standards that nobody can meet.

I'm not indecisive, I'm just very open to all suggestions except when they conflict with mine.

I don't make mistakes, I create opportunities for learning.

I'm not stubborn, I just refuse to change my mind even if I'm wrong.