I told my scale I'm on a diet. It laughed and said, 'Sure, Jan.'

I told my mirror I'm having a bad hair day. It replied, 'Just another day for me.'

I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my idea of a break is checking my work email on the weekends.

I told my boss I have a great sense of humor. He laughed...then gave me more work.

I'm not a procrastinator, I just believe in waiting for the perfect moment to do things.

Someone told me to have a nice day. So I went home and took a nap.

I don't need a personal trainer, my fridge does a great job of reminding me to exercise.

I asked a fortune teller about my future. She took one look at me and said 'I'm off the clock.'

I don't need a therapist, I have a cat. He listens to all my problems without judgment.

My life feels like a poorly written sitcom. It's lacking humor and the laugh track is broken.

I don't need motivation, I have an alarm clock. It reminds me every morning that I'd rather be asleep.

I love it when people tell me to 'calm down'. It's like asking a tornado to stop spinning.

I'm not a morning person, I'm a 'leave me alone until I finish my coffee' person.

I told my friends I'm going to start working out. They replied, 'Yeah, good luck with that.'

I love going to the gym. It's the only place where I can lift heavy things and not be judged for grunting.

I told my mom I'm an adult now. She laughed and asked me to take out the trash.

I don't have trust issues, I have a 'great judge of character' radar.

I asked my coworker how their weekend was. They replied, 'Too short, just like every other weekend.'

I don't believe in bad luck, I just have a talent for attracting inconvenient situations.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I demand perfect imperfection.

I love when people tell me to relax, it's as if they know exactly what's best for me.