I told my therapist about my fear of insects. She told me not to bug out.

I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he laughs.

I'm not a fan of escalators. They're just too step for me.

I asked my boss for a raise. He told me to raise my expectations instead.

I love when people say they're 'living the dream.' Yep, my dream also involves endless deadlines and unpaid bills.

My doctor told me to increase my daily steps. So, I bought a larger pair of shoes.

I asked my boss for a pay raise. He gave me a pat on the back – literally.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a construction joke. I told him I'm still working on it.

I love how the earth rotates. It really makes my day.

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing, but this is as close as I could get.

I told my computer I needed a break, but it responded with 'Ctrl + Alt + Del'.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. She stared at me and said, 'That would be a big step forward.'

I told my friend I saw a billboard with his name on it. He said, 'I guess you could say I'm really making a name for myself.'

I told my dog he should be more like a cat. He replied, 'Meow.'

I told my wife she should embrace her uniqueness. She responded, 'You mean like everyone else does?'

I told my friend I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, but it's hard to put down.

I told my psychiatrist I keep having dreams about being a car. He said, 'You're always in drive.'

I told my wife to stop acting like a flamingo. She told me to put my foot down.

I tried to make a belt made out of watches, but it was a waist of time.

I asked my mechanic if he can fix my brakes. He said, 'No, I can only make them stop squeaking.'

I told my friend I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.