My favorite exercise is a combination of running late and jumping to conclusions.

I don't need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.

I don't always tolerate fools, but when I do, I make sure to charge them an idiot tax.

People say I have a dry sense of humor, I tell them it's just my way of watering down their overreactions.

I don't discriminate, I annoy everyone equally.

Why be a king when you can be a jester and still wear a crown?

I'm not stubborn, I'm just extremely committed to being right.

I'm not a control freak, but can we do it my way just this once?

I'm not antisocial, I'm just socially selective.

I don't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it.

I'm not a pessimist, I'm an experienced optimist.

I'm not clumsy, I just prefer gravity-challenged.

I don't need a map, I enjoy taking the scenic route to nowhere.

Oh, great, another meeting to discuss meetings.

I love it when my alarm clock goes off early just to remind me I'm not a morning person.

I don't have a beer belly, I have a storage compartment for extra snacks.

I don't always succeed, but when I do, it's by accident.

I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me... to feed its cat.

I'm not a fan of procrastination, but I'll tell you why later.

Do you know why I never play hide and seek with mountains? They always peak.

My boss told me I should be more assertive. So I told him no.