I told my boss I have a fear of work. He told me to get back to my desk.

My new years resolution is to be more assertive. If that's okay with everyone else.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I'm currently under construction. Please excuse the mess.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do a split. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Thursdays.'

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but I'm pretty sure I know the best way to load the dishwasher.

Behind every successful man is his woman, behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

I'm not saying I hate mornings, but they do have a way of turning into afternoons.

I told my friend I saw a ghost. He asked if it was friendly. I said 'No, it was a terrifying experience.'

I asked my dog if he wanted to go for a walk. He gave me a 'dead' stare.

I'm not saying my house is messy, but a tornado would be an improvement.

I tried to take a selfie, but the camera was shocked by my face.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart things I say. Other times, I try to get out of a pool with a 'push' sign.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? The universe loves a good plot twist.

I used to be a psychic medium, but I couldn't see a future in it.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated, she got all excited. Until she realized I meant after I die.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but on second thought...

I tried to switch my password to 'incorrect' so whenever I forget it, the computer reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship.

I used to be a math teacher, but I lost count.

I told my psychiatrist I'm hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.