I told my wife she should do sit-ups to flatten her stomach. She asked me what to do about her wrinkled face.

I told my wife she should do squats to tone her legs. Now she won't talk to me because she's knee-deep in exercises.

I finally told my computer I needed a break. Now it won't stop sending me time-off notifications.

I told my wife she should do push-ups to strengthen her arms. Now she won't stop pushing me away.

I told my wife she should take up running for exercise. She replied, 'I do. I run away from your bad jokes.'

I asked the gym instructor for advice on building muscle. He told me to lift the remote when changing channels.

My friend asked me if I could help him hide a body. I said, 'No problem, but it's gonna cost you.'

I'm not saying my boss is incompetent, but when I asked him for a day off, he suggested I try last year.

I always tell new hires, 'Don't think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.'

I told my therapist about my addiction to social media. She suggested I like her on Facebook.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. She's still making fun of me.

My wife told me I should quit acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I asked my boss if I could come into work just 5 minutes late every day. He said I could, but that's going to cost $100 per minute.

I asked the doctor to recommend something for my persistent headache. He suggested 'a nail'.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me.

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs!

I told my therapist I have a fear of giants. She told me to take small steps.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't decide if I am or not.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yes.'