I told my therapist I have a fear of stairs. She said I have too many issues to work through.

I don't believe in luck, I believe in napping at the right moment.

I told my plants they need to be more independent. Now they're growing apart.

I have a photographic memory, but I keep losing the lens cap.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go by.

I don't need a gym membership, I get my workout by jumping to conclusions.

I told my boss I have a fear of elevators. Now I take the stairs to avoid a lift in anxiety.

I tried to write a novel about a clock. It was just too time-consuming.

I heard oxygen and magnesium were dating, and I was like OMG.

I told my wife our marriage is like a deck of cards. She said, 'You just don't have enough hearts.'

I told the psychic I wanted to know my future. She told me I would come back the next day.

I asked my crush out on a date, and she said 'Sure, let's hang out sometime in the future.'

I told my parents I wanted to pursue a career in comedy. They said, 'Your chances are laughable.'

I told my friend I'm really good at math. He said, 'Prove it.' So I said, 'I'm friends with you.'

I went to a job interview and they asked for my strengths and weaknesses. I said, 'I'm honest.' They said, 'I don't think honesty is a weakness.' I said, 'I don't care what you think.'

I told the cashier to keep the change. She looked at me and said, 'I would if I could.'

I told my gym trainer I want to be in shape. He said, 'Yeah, a shape.'

I told my neighbor I'm a stand-up comedian. He said, 'Well, at least you're not a sit-down comedian.'

I asked the waiter for recommendations, and he said, 'Everything here is good.' I said, 'I'll have the bad then.'

I told my dog I'm the boss. He laughed and said, 'That's what you think.'

I told my friend I was reading a book on humility. He said it was the best book ever written.