I'm writing a book on procrastination. It's currently a work in progress.

I'm not a fan of mesh shirts. They're too holey for me.

I told my friend he should smile more. Now his face hurts.

I don't need a reminder app, I have my mom for that.

I love when people ask me for directions. I can barely find my way out of a paper bag.

I love when people ask me to 'keep it brief'. Clearly, they haven't heard me tell a story.

I'm not saying I'm a tech guru, but I did once fix the Wi-Fi by turning it off and on again.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I can go hours without any human interaction.

I love when my car's gas light turns on. It's like a surprise party for my wallet.

Oh, you're on a gluten-free diet? Please, tell me more about your adventurous food choices.

I'm not saying I'm an artist, but I once drew a stick figure that looked almost lifelike.

I love when people tell me to 'just be yourself'. Clearly, they have no idea who I am.

I'm not saying I have a terrible memory, but I once forgot my own birthday.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but I did wear socks with sandals once.

Oh, you're on a juice cleanse? Please tell me more about your exciting liquid-based diet.

I'm not saying I'm a math whiz, but I can calculate exactly how long it takes for me to hit the snooze button.

I don't need a therapist, I have Twitter for that.

I'm not saying I have a green thumb, but my plant is still alive after a whole month.

I love when people tell me to 'just relax'. Clearly, they don't know me at all.

I'm not saying I have a way with words, but I did once convince someone that 'gullible' was written on the ceiling.

I may not be a morning person, but I am definitely a midnight snack enthusiast.