I'm not saying I'm an expert in technology, but I once spent an hour trying to download more RAM for my computer.

I have a great singing voice, as long as no one is around to hear it.

I'm not saying I'm fabulous at DIY projects, but my Pinterest fails speak for themselves.

I love when people ask me if I have plans for the weekend. Yes, my plan is to cancel all my plans.

I'm not saying I'm a great dancer, but my cat begs to differ.

I have a black belt in online shopping, my credit card statements can attest to that.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but my memory foam pillow has a better memory than I do.

I have a photographic memory, it's just all Polaroids and not in focus.

I love when people stand too close to me in line, it really adds to the shopping experience.

I'm not saying I have a great sense of direction, but I once got lost in my own neighborhood.

I'm not saying I have bad luck, but every time I walk under a ladder, the guy on top drops a wrench.

I don't believe in bad luck, but I did accidentally step on a crack and break my mom's back once.

I'm not saying I'm a great chef, but my smoke alarm is my biggest fan.

I don't need caffeine to wake up, the sound of my alarm clock is enough to send me into panic mode.

I don't need a personal trainer. I have my own motivational playlist that consists of 'Eye of the Tiger' on repeat.

Life is too short to hold grudges. That's why I just passive aggressively mention them in my diary.

I'm not saying I'm a pessimist, but I have a backup plan for my backup plan.

Whenever I try to multi-task, I end up doing two things poorly instead of one thing well. It's called efficiency, look it up.

You know it's going to be a great day when you accidentally hit the 'snooze' button instead of 'stop' and sleep through your alarm.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues, but even my Netflix account is on a trial basis.

Oh, you finished your entire to-do list? Please, tell me more about your magical unicorn powers.