Doctors say laughter is the best medicine. That's why I'm starting a pharmaceutical company that only sells joke books.

You know you're a true adult when you get excited about buying new kitchen appliances.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but sometimes I take a few minutes to decide if I should hit the snooze button.

I love when people ask me what I do for a living, as if trying to survive each day isn't a full-time job.

My patience is like my internet connection, barely hanging on by a thread.

I totally get why people wear sunglasses indoors, it's not like the sun could ever sneak up on them.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but I swear if the world doesn't start spinning my way, there will be consequences.

Sure, let's meet at 6:30. I was actually hoping to start my day off with disappointment.

I'm not a doctor, but I can diagnose you with a severe case of being a drama queen.

Excuse me while I go take a personality test. I need to prove to myself that I'm actually delightful.

I love it when my to-do list is so long that it becomes more of a 'to-don't' list.

I asked the universe for a sign, and it told me to stop texting and drive.

My house wasn't messy. I was just participating in an extreme sport called 'Indoor Mountain Climbing'.

I don't need an inspirational quote. I need a cup of coffee and some money.

Oh, you got a promotion? I'm sure it had nothing to do with your excel skills.

I'm not saying I hate my job, but if your job was a person, I'd definitely be pressing charges.

I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry. But also, you should've had snacks.

I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person either. In fact, just don't talk to me.

I told my mom I'm going to be a comedian. She said 'I think you should aim higher.'

I asked the pharmacist for some sleeping pills. He gave me a kale smoothie recipe instead.

I told my boss I needed a raise. He told me to raise my expectations instead.