My doctor told me I need more exercise. I told him I already exercise plenty...caution.

I love when people say 'just be yourself.' I don't know who else I'd be!

I told my therapist I have a fear of speed bumps. He recommended I slow down.

I asked the bartender for a drink...he said 'What'll it be, a problem or a solution?'

I told my mechanic my car makes a funny noise. He said 'turn up the radio.'

My teacher told me 'the sky's the limit.' So I moved to the basement.

I love when people tell me 'you're too young to feel tired.' Apparently exhaustion has an age limit!

I told my gym trainer I wanted to be more flexible. He said 'sure, just start paying your bills on time.'

I love running...running late, running out of time, you name it.

I told my computer I needed to install updates, and it told me to go take a walk. It must be on Windows 95.

Life is short. And so are most people you meet.

People who take things literally are the best. Said no one ever.

I asked the genie in the lamp for a sandwich. He said, 'Poof! You're a sandwich.'

I love when people ask for my input just to completely ignore it.

I told my wife she should loosen up. She laughed and told me to get lost.

I told my boss I have a lot of work to do. He asked if I wanted to share some with him.

I just got a job at the bakery. I knead the dough.

I told my computer I needed a break. It recommended a Kit Kat.

I'm not saying I'm a know-it-all. I'm just highly proficient in fake expertise.

I don't need a filter. My unfiltered thoughts are a true gift to humanity.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues. I just prefer to keep my options open at all times.