I told my wife we should start a band called 'Duvet'. She said, 'That idea will cover a lot of ground.'

I told my wife she should sell her violin to make some money. She said, 'That makes no sense, we're not in the string business.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a burial plot.

I told my friend he should count his blessings. He came back with 29.

Why was the morgue always a mess? They never could find anything.

I told my son he could be anything he wanted when he grew up. He chose to be a ghost writer.

I tried to cheer up my friend who lost his job at the cemetery. I said, 'At least you're six feet closer to success.'

I told the psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He asked, 'What did they say?' I replied, 'They're just humming the funeral march.'

Why did the cannibal go to the party? To meat new people.

I asked the vampire if he could recommend a good dentist. He said, 'I prefer my victims with bite marks.'

I told the police officer I had a fear of handcuffs. He said, 'Don't worry, they're stretchy.'

I tried to save money by cooking at home, but the smoke detector keeps ruining my dinner plans.

I asked the fortune teller about my love life. She said, 'You'll find true love when you least expect it.' So I stopped looking.

I went to the doctor complaining of back pain. He said, 'Have you tried haunting the person who killed you in your past life?'

I attended a funeral for a mime. It was a very quiet ceremony.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said, 'Let's not rush into things.'

Why did the grave robber only steal left shoes? Because he wanted to leave the right ones behind.

I tried to donate blood, but they said it was too dark and twisted for their liking.

I asked the serial killer if he could recommend a good therapist. He said, 'I've been to a few, but they never seem to stick around.'

My ex-girlfriend said she wanted closure. So I locked her in the closet.

I heard the Grim Reaper loves gardening. He really has a green thumb.