I told my psychiatrist I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me to hold on for one more session.

I lost my job as a chef due to cannibalism. They said I lacked good taste.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. She lunged at me.

I asked the devil for a deal, but he told me my soul wasn't worth much on the market.

I went to see a fortune teller, but she didn't see me coming.

I asked my therapist if she could help me with my fear of elevators. She said, 'Let's take some steps to address that.'

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my kleptomania. He said, 'Take this medication and don't steal anything.'

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. She almost suffocated me with a pillow.

I entered ten puns in a joke contest to see if any would win. No pun in ten did.

Why was the math book always sad? Because it had too many 'problems' to solve.

Why did the vampire open a blood bank? He thought it would be a good way to make a killing.

I called the paranoia helpline, but was too scared to talk on the phone.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage, but they said my case didn't carry much weight.

I told my friend a joke about amnesia, but he couldn't remember it.

Why did the mathematician break up with his girlfriend? She was too square for his circle of friends.

I told my boss I was feeling suicidal. He told me to quit while I was ahead.

I got into an argument with a mime about the invisible tightrope he was walking. Ended up being a no-win situation.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? He couldn't handle her transparent issues.

My mom told me to stop signing 'I'm a Nut' every time I walk into a party. She doesn't get my pecan sense of humor.

I finally quit my job as a personal trainer. Turns out I couldn't handle the weight of other people's problems.