I asked the chef if I could take some leftovers home. He said, 'Sure, here's a doggy bag.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She tasted like someone else.

I told my wife she should learn to trust me. She said, 'I don't even trust my judgment in marrying you.'

Why did the vampire get a cat? He wanted to teach it how to undead.

I asked my therapist if I had multiple personalities. He said, 'No, you're just unbearable.'

I asked my doctor if I should start smoking. He said, 'Nah, smoking kills. But so does life, slowly.'

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because he's dead inside.

I told my friend he should be more transparent. He said, 'I can see right through you.'

Why don't skeletons fight each other in the army? Because they're already bone-tired.

Why did the zombie break up with his zombie girlfriend? She just wasn't his type. She was his body type.

I told my therapist I have a fear of speed bumps. He assured me it's just a slow road to recovery.

Why did the ghost break up with his ghost girlfriend? She kept haunting his ex.

I asked my mechanic if I could borrow his wrench. He said, 'Sure, if you can handle the torque.'

I told my wife she should learn to make jokes. She said, 'I already married one.'

I told my girlfriend she should be more affectionate. She said, 'Get lost.' So I made her a map.

I asked the chef if the steak was too rare. He said, 'I can still hear it mooing.'

I asked my grandpa if he wanted his exorcism. He said he'll stick with his ex-wife.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. But apparently, it's hard to prosecute in 'air' court.

I bought a new thesaurus the other day. Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

My wife told me I have a 'dysfunctional family.' I almost choked on my popcorn.

I asked my wife if we could try role-playing in bed. She told me to be a vacuum cleaner and suck it up.