I told my landlord the heating in my apartment wasn't working. Now I'm warming my hands over the burning lease agreement.

I joined a grieving support group, but I couldn't cry on cue. They kicked me out for not being a 'real' mourner.

I took up bird watching as a hobby. Turns out, birds are not fans of being watched. Who knew?

I tried to join a support group for procrastinators, but the meeting kept getting postponed.

I told my friend he should take up jogging to improve his health. Now he's chasing me with a knife.

I asked the psychic if she saw any money in my future. She said yes, but only if I give her all of mine first.

I heard that oxygen and magnesium were dating, and I thought, 'OMg!' But then I remembered they had a volatile relationship.

I tried to break up with my therapist, but she said we should talk about it next week.

I tried to make a joke about plants, but it was too corny.

I asked the devil for a favor, but he told me I had to sell my soul first. I told him my soul was worth at least a Lamborghini.

I went to a séance to talk to my dead relatives. Turns out, they needed closure on why I didn't visit them in their final days.

I asked the genie for a wish, but he told me I needed to rub him the right way first. Let's just say I'm still rubbing...

I told my therapist I have trouble expressing my emotions. He didn't say anything, he just handed me a bill for the session.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a ride, he said it'd be a short trip.

My therapist told me I have a fear of commitment. I haven't decided if I agree yet.

I wanted to be a butcher, but I couldn't cut it.

My ex-girlfriend told me she misses me... but her aim is getting better.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the graveyard? They woke up the next day.

I once had a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

I told my friend I saw a ghost, he laughed until I showed him the funeral photos.

Why did the vampire get hired as a bartender? He always served neat drinks.