I've never understood people who say 'Good morning' before coffee. Are they just naturally morning people or aliens?

Why do we call it 'getting in shape' when round is a shape too?

I wish I could donate my fat like people donate blood. 'Here, take a pint of my love handles.'

I always feel like Spiderman when trying to kill a spider with a tissue. 'With great power comes great responsibility.'

Why do we press harder on the remote control buttons when we know the batteries are dying?

I've come to the realization that no one actually reads the terms and conditions. We all just click 'accept' and hope for the best.

I wish I could be as confident as my phone is when it tells me I have 10% battery left.

Why do we call it 'getting dressed' when we're actually putting clothes on?

I find it ironic that the most stressful part of a vacation is packing for it.

Do you ever feel like your furniture judges you when you move it around the room?

Sometimes I think my plants have a conspiracy against me. They all die at the same time.

Do you ever feel like pasta is just spaghetti trying to be something else?

I always feel like a secret agent when I successfully sneak a snack into a movie theater.

Have you ever noticed that the person who takes the longest to order at a fast-food drive-thru window always ends up getting a water cup?

Why do we always feel the need to fill up our plates at buffets like we're preparing for a food shortage apocalypse?

Why do we always feel the need to refrigerate ketchup, yet leave mayonnaise out on the kitchen counter for hours?

Have you ever noticed that the only time 'incorrectly' isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly?

Why is it that someone who is good at giving advice is called a 'counselor' while someone who is bad at giving advice is called a 'friend'?

Isn't it funny how the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed?

Have you ever noticed that the word 'short' is longer than the word 'long'?

Why is it that when people say they slept like a baby, they usually mean they woke up every two hours crying?