I'm not a fashion icon, I'm more of a 'wear socks with sandals' kind of guy.

I'm not a control freak, I just know how everything should be done, exactly my way.

I have a face that's perfect for radio and a voice that's perfect for mime.

I always strive to be a little less sarcastic, but then I remember it's the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind.

I can't tell if I'm a night person or a morning person, all I know is I'm definitely not an all-day person.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but my socks have to match my mood.

I'd like to say I'm good at multitasking, but the truth is I can't even walk and chew gum at the same time.

I may not have a sense of direction, but at least I have a strong sense of denial.

My bed and I have a special relationship - we're committed to having a love-hate relationship every morning.

I used to be a people person until I realized they sucked the life out of me.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just on a mission to find every piece of furniture with my shin.

If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send somebody to pick it up for me.

I'm not sure if I'm a night owl or an early bird, but I'm definitely a perpetually exhausted pigeon.

I don't have a smartwatch, but I do have a smartphone that I can't find half the time.

I'm not addicted to social media, I'm just very committed to avoiding my responsibilities.

I may not be a chef, but I'm a master at burning water.

I live each day by the motto 'I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on a floppy disk somewhere.'

I told myself I wouldn't procrastinate, but I'm still thinking about when to start.

I tried to change my password to 'incorrect' so when I forget it, the computer will say 'Your password is incorrect.'

My dating life is like a Ferris wheel - it goes around in circles and makes me dizzy.

I'm so bad at parking that my car's bumper sticker says 'Warning: I brake for invisible walls.'